White House Cabinet Meeting

Taking a crack at satire...

This isn’t the normal kind of thing I send out, but it’s what the muse inspired me to write last night. This is 100% satire… my imagination’s idea of what a White Houe Cabinet meeting under Trump might be like. I hope it’s as amusing as it is depressing.

Photo by David Everett Strickler on Unsplash

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White House Cabinet Meeting

Minutes from March 6, 2025

I. Call to Order

President called meeting to order at 11:30 am. Tee time at 12:30 so everybody just shut up and listen. Secretary of Defense Hegseth will be late – at Mickey D’s picking up lunch.

II. Approval of Agenda

Agenda accepted after President stated he doesn’t care what anyone thinks anyway.

III. Approval of Prior Minutes

Minutes from last meeting were reviewed and approved. President ordered them destroyed. He’ll tell us later what actually happened.

IV. Committee Reports

A. Gas Lighting Committee (GLC)

The President continues to lead this effort personally. He reported 100% efficiency. Everyone obviously believed everything he made up in his State of the Union speech. Assured cabinet that all real patriots love him and everything he does.

B. Department of Government Eradication (DOGE)

President clarified that department heads are in charge of hiring and firing for their respective staffs. Elon Musk only makes suggestions and he’s not in charge of DOGE anyway. Musk suggested everyone kiss his ass. After he dropped his pants we all lined up. Musk then suggested each department decide whether they were hiring SpaceX, Starlink, or Tesla once their staffs were fired. He reported that DOGE has cut $8 trillion from $7 trillion budget. 666 more departments closed yesterday after uploading all files to X. Further cuts expected, but might have to start hiring more people or there won’t be anyone to fire.

C. Foreign Policy Committee (FPC)

Work is going well. President will be redirecting future bribes from foreign leaders wanting help directly to Mar-a-Lago. All former allies now classified as terrorist nations. Can be moved to “good guy” list for $10 billion each. Zelensky of Ukraine has been a little uppity but President believes he’ll come around when they run out of ammo. President thinks committee name is boring so will be renamed Fascists for Putin Committee (FPC). Since initials are same, we’ll save $100 million by not re-reprinting stationery. Passed out English-Russian dictionaries.

Note: Hegseth arrived during report and distributed Big Macs and diet cokes for everyone. When he asked for reimbursement President chuckled and said “Good one.”

D. Whiteness, Privilege, and Exclusion (WPE) Committee

White House Director for WPE Stephen Miller reported that all attempts to steal the innate right of white straight men (WSM) to rule the world have been defeated. Miller reports that since DEI, woke-ness, critical race theory, black lives matter, and other liberal heresies have been banned and erased from government websites as well as corporate annual reports, WSM are now firmly in charge for the rest of human history. Secretary of Interior estimated that will be at least until next month but he couldn’t be sure because everyone at NOAA was fired.

Note: Interior Secretary almost mentioned “climate change” but saw President glaring at him and pissed his pants. Excused himself and never returned.

E. Beneficial Economic New Department Of Very Easy Reductions (BENDOVER)

President reports tariffs are fun. Said increase in inflation and decrease in stock market are Biden’s fault. We shouldn’t believe complaints. Tesla stock is down but that’s Biden’s fault. Economy must be doing well since Musk said bank account is up overall by “many, many billions” since election. President expressed confidence that axing medicaid, medicare, ‘bama care, and social security while reducing taxes for “shareholders” will make Musk’s bank account go up even more.

Note: FBI director Kash Patel arrived at meeting and announced he had finished polishing President’s golf clubs. President left to make his tee time, turning meeting over to VP Vance. Vance asked if we could keep further business short as he had a couch waiting for him. Assume he wants to take a nap. Musk also left meeting as soon as Trump was out of sight.

V. Old Business

A. Empathy – Progress being made, but still need suggestions on how to kill human empathy for good.

B. Robes & Hoods – Miller reports these are on back order; suggestion was made to alter bedsheets but everyone who knew how to sew has apparently been deported.

C. Immigration – Homeland Security reports they can’t find enough people to deport to make quotas. Miller suggested they just go by the rule “white is all right, send brown out of town.” Attorney General Pam Bondi suggested we just deport everyone currently in prison. Since our policy is that all immigrants are criminals, people won’t even notice and we’d save another trillion dollars by closing prisons.

D. Transgender people – Since they don’t exist this item can be dropped from future agendas.

VI. New Business

A. Plausible denials – Blaming everything on Biden might get old at some point. If you have other suggestions on how to avoid responsibility, please submit them to the President. People will be upset when we cut their social security and health care / insurance so we especially need someone to blame that on.

B. Who’s next? – Now that we’re running out of immigrants and transgender people don’t exist, we need new scapegoats to distract MAGA. Many options were discussed, but consensus came down to Jews and fags. Recommendation will be forwarded to President.

C. New executive orders – Vance announced a few new executive orders to be signed in coming days:

1. U.S. citizenship will now require loyalty statement to the President declaring him to be our great white savior.

2. The federal government will no longer seek to serve the people but will instead maximize profits for its shareholders, who will be defined as any U.S. citizen who is worth more than $1 billion.

3. Since we don’t need Guantanamo for immigrants, it will be repurposed to house anti-Trump protestors.

Other than that, we’re running out of ideas to demoralize people so an executive order suggestion box will be put up outside the Oval Office. Please submit your ideas. Winners will get a coupon for a free milk shake at Mickey D’s.

VII. Motion to Adjourn

Musk popped back in to tell everyone to get the hell out before he fired our asses. Vance bolted from the room and the meeting was declared adjourned.

Disrespectfully Submitted