A bonus reflection this week as I’ve been thinking about spirituality and sex… Of course there are exceptions, but Christianity has a long history of negative views about human sexuality. Church folks are usually uncomfortable talking about sex and when we do it’s often to condemn something we don’t approve of. But our sexuality is actually a gift from God. It’s an essential part of what it means to be human. And, since God created us as sexual beings, maybe it’s time we got over our squeamishness and begin to not only talk about sex but celebrate it.
As we mature, our understanding of God usually changes and grows over time as we question what we’ve been taught as children. We question teachings which no longer make sense to us, such as substitutionary atonement, but shouldn’t teachings on sexuality and sex be included in that dialog as well? Whenever we’re afraid to ask questions, we stunt the possibility of growth, but if we open our hearts and minds and risk a little vulnerability, we create opportunity for new life.
One of the things I was taught is that monogamy, two people exclusively dedicated to each other, is the ideal form of sexual relationship. Of course, sex was also said to only be acceptable to God if it was between one man and one woman in the context of marriage. Now, I’m not going to get into the homophobia built into that assertion. But where did we get the idea that monogamy is what God wants? I’m not sure the Bible is particularly helpful. Arguments for both sides of the question can be supported by references to scripture. Moreover, the Bible is not a rule book. It’s a collection of our ancestors’ faith stories, which often contradict each other.
Monogamy is, I’m sure, the best relationship model for some people. But does that mean it should be compulsory for all people? Some of these thoughts come out of a discussion I attended at the 2023 Wild Goose Festival on the topic of Christianity and non-monogamy. We need more spaces like that where we can talk about these issues. Let’s face it, non-monogamous relationships are a reality. Many people, including those who love Jesus and are a part of our church communities, don’t adhere to sexual exclusivity. Some people live in open relationships where two people are primarily committed to each other but mutually agree that sexual encounters with people outside of the relationship are allowed. Others might identify as polyamorous, where more than two people are part of a committed relationship, which might be open or not.
One thing we can claim from a Christian perspective is that we should always act from a place of love. Jesus taught that love is the basis of everything we should be doing. People in a sexual relationship don’t necessarily have to be “in love” (sex can be holy and sacramental, but it can also just be a lot of fun), but they should treat each other lovingly. That is, honestly and with compassion and respect. At a minimum, that means no one involved is harmed and all aspects of the relationship are consensual and mutually agreed upon. Perhaps it should also mean that all are actively blessed by the relationship, that it is good and beneficial for everyone involved. The most important aspect of relationship is not the number of people but that it is loving and ethical.
Of course, there are challenges in non-monogamous relationships as there are in monogamous ones. Open, honest, and frequent communication would be key to avoiding relationship problems such as jealousy. Frankly, although I don’t have any moral issues with ethical non-monogamous relationships, I think my own insecurities might very well prevent me from making one work. On the other hand, maybe it would also be an opportunity for personal growth.
Even if we know monogamy works best for us, it doesn’t follow that it works best for everyone or that we can only love one person at a time. We claim that we are made in the image of God and God is a promiscuous force. God does not love just one person at a time. God loves everyone, all the time and at the same time. One might claim that God’s love for us is un-related to an intimate, erotic love, but I would disagree. The church has often used marriage as a metaphor for our relationship with God. Christian mystics have also commonly used erotic language in describing their experience of the Divine. For example, in “The Dark Night of the Soul,” St. John of the Cross wrote of a mystical experience of Christ:
Upon my flowering breast
which I kept wholly for him alone,
there he lay sleeping,
and I caressing him
there in a breeze from the fanning cedars.
Ultimately, I’m not sure there are reasons for compulsory monogamy that aren’t simply a manifestation of our fear of things we don’t understand and our desire to control others. Why should what works for some be the only acceptable form of relationship when it doesn’t work for so many others? We each need to figure out what’s best for us and respect and honor the choices others make when those choices are loving and ethical. I would propose that we should even be willing to bless and honor those relationships ritually, whether we call it marriage or covenant unions. After all, we are called as a community to support each other and to nurture love in the world, wherever it blossoms.
What are your thoughts?
Yes, so much of the opposition to different forms of relationships is about fear and control. Perhaps broadening our minds about this can help us let go of fear and control in many aspects of our lives.