Knowing Yourself
The Queer Spiritual Gift I want to reflect on this week for Pride month is the gift of knowing one’s self in deeper, more meaningful ways. Last week I talked about how the gift of questioning frees us to grow and become our true selves. But to do that we need to learn who we are. When we deny our true selves, we cheat ourselves out of a joyful and fulfilling life. When we live to meet the expectations of others, we develop low self-esteem, never feeling quite good enough, never feeling comfortable and at peace with ourselves.
When I was growing up the expected ideal life was a heterosexual relationship with two to four children, a dog, and a house with a white picket fence. That’s wonderful if that is what you really want. But what if you’re a boy who wants to marry another boy? Or a girl who wants to marry a girl? What if you don’t want to get married at all? What if the world says you’re a girl but you feel like a boy? Or you don’t really feel like you fit into the cultural norms of either boy or girl? How do we know who we are when people are telling us we have to be this or that?
Sometimes it might seem easier to go along even if it wounds our heart, trying to be straight when we’re gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, or asexual, or trying to act like the gender people assign to us when that’s not the real us. However, to live a meaningful and fulfilling life as God intends, we need to let go of other’s expectations and assumptions and be who God created us to be. We have to expand beyond the boxes others put us in. We have to embark on a journey to explore who we truly are. As Oscar Wilde said, “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
The first step is to realize that we don’t have to justify our worth or prove we’re good enough. Everyone is worthy of love, respect, and kindness simply because we are each a child of God. The Christian creation story affirms this, proclaiming that we are created in the image of God. The story even explicitly says that our categories of gender do not exclude us from this truth, which also kind of makes God the first intersex, transgender, non-binary entity. The story even reveals God referring to God’s self in the plural: “Let us make humankind in our image, to be like us.” If God doesn’t fit the mold of the male-female binary, then why should we give an ounce of credit to those who claim we must? God looked at the wonderful uniqueness and diversity God had created in their own image and declared it good.We are all worthy, sacred reflections of the Divine.
The second step is to embrace the Holy Spirt as our traveling companion. Jesus tells us that the Spirit is always with us and the spirit speaks Truth.1 The world doesn’t accept or understand the Spirit because the world is wrapped up in greed and domination. It is in love that we recognize and hear the Holy Spirit, that divine voice within us that wishes to guide us to become our best, authentic selves. When we trust God and listen to the Spirit we don’t need to be distressed or fearful, but we can let go of the expectations of a world that would have us conform to satisfy its thirst for power. We can take time to explore who we are, discovering our likes and dislikes, beliefs and values, strengths and weaknesses, learning what our talents and passions are, and creating dreams and goals for the future. We can take the writing, music, or art class that we always dreamed of or read more books on subjects we find interesting. We can explore our emotional self and seek out a therapist to help. We can explore our physical self by going to the gym or learn more about our sexual desires. We can explore our spiritual selves in church, prayer, and meditation.
Questioning who we are leads to the gift of a deeper self-knowledge and gives our lives meaning and a sense of belonging, but it also means living with some uncertainty as we explore. It’s a life long journey and we can’t predict where it’s going to take us or how we’ll change. So be gracious and forgiving of yourself. Neither regret nor blame, whether for yourself or anyone else, is helpful. Blaming becomes an excuse not to do the work. Regret mires us in the past and keeps us from living in the present. If you feel regret, know that your past self did their best. What more could have been asked? There are times I wish I had lived differently. For example, I wish I had come out earlier in life. But it’s unfair of me to judge my past self. I didn’t know then what I know now. I did my best even if it doesn’t look all that great in retrospect.
Jesus taught us that we should love our neighbor as we love ourself. Once we learn to know and love ourselves then we will be better equipped and able to love our neighbor and share our true selves so others can know us too. As LGBTQ+ people we are often faced with the question of whether it’s safe to reveal who we are. But the more we are able to share ourselves, the better off the world is going to be. A deeper knowing ultimately leads to deeper relationship and deeper relationship changes people’s hearts. Knowing and sharing ourselves changes people’s hearts. It changes the world for the better.
1. John 14:15-17;25-27