Choosing the Better Part
Expectations are tricky. We have expectations for our selves, but there are also expectations that others and even our culture put upon us, or that we put upon them. Expectations can often be helpful, pushing us to do better. But if they’re set too low, we might not bother doing our best. Sometimes expectations are unrealistic or even harmful. For example, our parents might have expected us to become a doctor, but our true calling was to become an artist. Or society expected us to be straight and we are in fact gay, lesbian, or bisexual.
When our expectations are met, we’re generally satisfied and happy. We feel like we know what’s going on, that things are how they should be. Unfortunately, when our expectations are not met, we can get angry, frustrated, and feel like the world is out of control. In the Bible, we read about Martha and Mary, two sisters who share a house.1 When Jesus comes to visit, Martha busies herself in the kitchen and Mary sits down to listen to Jesus speak. This does not meet Martha’s expectations. She thinks Mary should help with the cooking and cleaning and she’s angry that Mary is just sitting around, seemingly doing nothing.
Of course, hospitality is incredibly important and we should all be welcoming and helpful toward others. We could even argue that sitting and listening to your guest is also hospitality. But I don’t think this story is really about the debate between hospitality and contemplation as it’s sometimes made out to be. I think it’s about expectations. Martha’s expectation, perhaps put upon her by the culture she lived in, seems to be that her place is in the kitchen. However, her unhappiness in that role makes me suspect that it isn’t really her true calling. She doesn’t find it fulfilling and she tries to demand that Mary join her in her unhappiness. As the saying goes, misery loves company.
What this story tells me is that to create realistic expectations about ourselves we need to first know ourselves and let go of expectations (internal and external) that don’t fit who we are. We can begin with questions like: what are our passions? What talents and gifts do we have? To what purpose is God calling us? I believe God created all of us to help and support each other, but we as individuals are called to contribute in our own unique ways. Consider the apostle Paul’s metaphor of the body of Christ.2 Some people are the nose, some are the eyes, some are the ears. The nose has to know what it’s called to do. A nose that tries to be an eye isn’t going to work. And it’s pointless for the nose to go around complaining that the eyes are not doing their fair share of the smelling. Likewise, some of us are called to become doctors, some preachers, some artists, some caretakers, and so on.
Only when we know ourselves can we set realistic expectations and choose the path that is right for us. External observations might be useful, but others can’t truly tell us who our own authentic self is and what God is calling us to do and become. If we have expectations of ourselves or there are expectations that others have put upon us that make us unhappy and miserable, then we need to let go of them. That can be difficult because it might make us feel guilty or like we failed, but we have to live out the truth of ourselves if we want to live a whole and fulfilling life, which is what God wants for us.
It’s never too late to begin that life-long journey of self-discovery. We shouldn’t be satisfied with just surviving. We can learn what we’re passionate about. Take some classes. Engage in new experiences. Figure out what gives us meaning. Talk to people about their experiences. See a therapist. Journal. Whatever it takes. As we become more in tune with our passions and talents, our own inner purpose and calling, we not only move closer to God because we’re becoming the person God created us to be, but we are better able to choose the better part in life (as Jesus said Mary did), living a fulfilling and joy-filled life. We can better set realistic expectations that help rather than hinder, that push us to be better people rather than set us up for failure.
By refusing to live according to expectations that are not in harmony with our true selves we liberate ourselves. And maybe it will give others permission to refuse inappropriate expectations as well. Although the story doesn’t say what happens, I’d like to think Martha’s response to her complaints falling flat was to realize she didn’t have to be stuck in the kitchen either. Maybe she decided it was better for her to sit and listen to Jesus too. Let one of the men do the cooking for once.
How are you getting to better know yourself and discover what it means to become the person God made you to be? Do your expectations for yourself match who you are? Are you able to let go of expectations that aren’t helpful, whether they come from within or are thrust upon you by others? Be the wonderful person God made you to be, letting your love and light shine in your own unique way.
1. Luke 10:38-42
2. 1 Corinthians 12:12-31